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| Brian Kassar |
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Students going home at Christmas may be looking forward to Mom doing their laundry but not be as excited about the idea of a curfew or no smoking in the house.
Welcome to the holidays, a time when bells and bickering can go hand in hand as college students and parents try to figure out what rules still hold and which have been outgrown.
The common denominator in defusing disagreements is mutual respect, says Brian Kassar, a psychologist at Montana State University's Counseling and Psychological Services.
"Parents and children often don't see each other as people," Kassar says. "If I went to a friend's house and they didn't want me to smoke inside, I wouldn't yell and say, 'But I smoke at home!' Yet that might be the response to a no-smoking rule set by parents."
Parent-child relationships need to evolve to reflect the maturity of both parties, he says. Don't expect Mom to do your laundry and then demand that she see you as an independent adult. Kassar says the flip side is also true: Mom and Dad shouldn't expect sons or daughters who have been on their own for a year to have the same curfew they had in high school.
"Curfews are the big thing," says one mother of her college kids. "Maybe there's no curfew, but you still need to know where they are and when they'll be home."
On most issues, parents and returning children need to communicate, Kassar says. "Parents need to see their child growing and need to give them space for that. Students going home may want to assert their independence, but they also need to understand that their parents may not be ready for all of the changes that independence brings.
Another frequent source of conflict can be about a student's grades. Montana law sees college students as adults, so grades are sent to the students. However, when parents pay for school, they may feel they have the right to see the grades.
"Parents demanding to see grades can set up a power dynamic," Kassar says. "If a student is struggling to make grades, ideally he or she would want to share that information with parents to get their support. But students already feel a lot of pressure to get good grades, and parents demanding to see grades can just add to the pressure. The emphasis should be on learning, not grades. Grades are just one way of gauging learning."
When students return to MSU, they have several avenues to find support, including friends, advisors, tutors for specific classes and counselors.
At MSU's Counseling and Psychological Services, counselors see all eligible students for up to 12 sessions per year at no charge. Often counseling is for a combination of reasons, some directly related to academic issues and some not. Kassar says that many students come to the counseling service because of a combination of depression and anxiety.
"We see the extremes of way too much time studying or not studying at all," says Kassar. For both types of students, he generally recommends three things: time management, self care and focused relaxation.
Time management and stress management are usually related, Kassar says, and self-care slips nicely between the two.
"Eating healthy. Sleeping. Building time in to with friends and to study. We try to help students find a balance. For students who are overworking, scheduling free time is important. For students who haven't cracked a book for most of the semester, scheduling study time will be just as important."
Kassar also encourages students to begin some type of focused relaxation.
"As a culture, we tend to distract ourselves with technology and call it relaxation, but we don't practice specific relaxation techniques. We watch TV or listen to music. I love music, but sometimes you have to pull the iPod out of your head and focus on yourself," Kassar says. He suggests meditation, deep breathing or yoga, all of which are available on campus and in the community.
Ultimately, the trip home will be unique for each student and family. Kassar says that in some families, Mom may love doing her child's laundry, but it isn't fair to just expect it.
Contact: Brian Kassar, (406) 994-4531 or bkassar@montana.edu
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