MSU Extension Family & Human Development

The word “family” used to mean a husband, a wife, and their children. Today, “family” means many things. Parents may be married or single, divorced or widowed. Families might be small, large, adopted, blended, separated by distances, or close together.

So, no matter what your situation is, you are a family, and your family can be a very healthy family. All families have special traits and problems. Still, they share some common concerns.

Coping With Guilt

Many parents must cope with feelings of guilt. They may feel guilty for divorcing, separating children from parents, disciplining children, or working too much. Guilt can sometimes get in the way of setting firm limits for children. Parents may be inconsistent or permissive.

Some parents try to “make up” for the losses their children experience. They may even feel the need to apologize. Yet, apologies send the message that someone did something wrong. Instead, look at your decisions and your situation realistically. Working toward being happy, and strong at home and work, is the best thing you can do for your children. Children with consistent, loving parents will develop in healthy ways.

Meeting The Challenges: Building Strengths In Single Parent Families

There is no one-way to raise children.
Still, researchers suggest that single parents need to pay attention to the following for their children.

Security

When security is shaken, children may be more frightened of new and unusual events.
After one parent disappears from their home (and sometimes their lives), children may worry the other parent will disappear.
Show understanding and patience.
With time you will build your children’s sense of trust.

Independence

You may feel the need to protect your children from feeling hurt again.
Because of this fear, you may be overly protective.
Still, children need to test their wings to become independent.
Ask yourself these questions:
Am I being overly protective?
Or, am I trying to watch out for their health and safety?
Am I meeting my children’s needs?
Or am I meeting my own needs by having my children close to me for companionship?

Acceptance

Let children know you love and accept them no matter what.
No one is perfect.
Children need to know you will always love them, even when they make mistakes.

Love

Tell children you love them.
Show your love through hugs, kisses, and words, such as, “I love you. I’m so glad you’re my child.”

Time

Spend time doing ‘every day’ things with your children.
Reading, taking a walk, talking about your day, and setting the table for dinner are times to spend together.
It’s also important to share special events.
Take family trips, attend baseball games, or go out for ice cream as special treats for your children.
Spending time together builds relationships and lets children know they are loved.

Sources: Parenting on Your Own by Robert Hughes Jr., Cooperative Extension, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Family Focus: Supportive Connections for Single Parent Families, University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension

Credit: Mary W. Temke, Ph.D., Extension Specialist, Human Development developed this fact sheet, with assistance from Wendy Walsh, a graduate student in the University of New Hampshire’s Department of Family Studies. Approved for use in Montana by Stephen F. Duncan, Ph.D., Family & Human Development Specialist, MSU Extension Service.

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