FAMILY MATTERS

Who Knows What a Little Marriage Preparation Can Do?

By Steve Duncan
MSU Extension Family and Human Development Specialist

4/5/2000

BOZEMAN -- Recently I noticed a newspaper "Weddings" insert. In it I noticed helpful information on how to plan a wedding and which family is responsible for what kinds of things. I thought it had good advice for preparing to have a wedding, but nothing for how to prepare for a successful marriage.

A 1996 nationwide random phone survey showed that 36 percent of couples married in the past five years reported having premarital counseling through a religious organization. An earlier study not limited to asking about participation through religious organizations estimated that 30 percent of couples had one to two hours of premarital preparation.

Thus the underwhelming participation in marriage preparation continues, notwithstanding evidence showing that premarital education/counseling enhances the chances for marital happiness and reduces the likelihood of divorce. While about 60 percent of recently married couples cohabited before their first marriage, many to "test the waters," this form of preparation actually increases the chances of divorce by 13 percentage points.

The vast majority of young adults believe marriage preparation is important. According to many studies, including one I conducted in Montana, the vast majority, even over 90 percent, of young adults believe that marriage preparation is very or extremely important and that it will benefit them. The majority say they intend to participate in marriage preparation.

I am certain marriage preparation has benefited my own marriage of 17 years. I took an excellent marriage preparation course through my church and read several books, but I also had a "premarital counseling" experience that didn’t start out that way.

In 1982, yet unmarried, I enrolled in a master’s degree program in family sciences. One of my courses during the first semester was Introduction to Marriage and Family Therapy. One unit was on "Developing Relationships." It had a specific, most intriguing assignment attached to it: attend five relationship "enrichment" sessions with a partner of your choice. It could be anyone, but I immediately thought of women I knew.

After a couple of "false starts" in inviting someone, I explained my dilemma to my roommate Dale. With a gleam in his eye, he asked, "Why don’t you ask Barbara Smith?"

Barb and I had been friends for over a year, and just recently went to a dance together. That date was prompted by a sudden realization of feeling attracted to her. I assured Barb that the enrichment experience would just be for a class, for "science," I joked. No other reason. Barb, too, had equally distant motives, although, as I found out later, she had begun to feel attracted to me, as well. She agreed to participate.

During our first session, we explored our families of origin. We mapped out our families on the chalkboard and described the relationships we had with each member. Our first assignment during the following week was to go out together and get to know one another’s background better.

During our date on Saturday night we talked for hours about our families, their influence on us and our backgrounds. We spent the next day together as well, and shared dinner with her grandparents who lived nearby, and her Dad, who just happened to be in town visiting from Alaska.

Each session went progressively deeper and we grew to understand one another from the inside out. But even better than the sessions was the hour-long ride to and from the university, when we talked about many important matters.

I successfully completed my assignment and received an A+ on the paper, but, unexpectedly, had gained something far more important and valuable, far more than I bargained for. We became engaged and married a few months afterward.

Who would have known that five enrichment sessions could have meant so much? This unintentional "premarital counseling" experience set the stage for understanding, kindness, consideration, friendship and sharing that has been an important part of a very satisfying marriage. Couples and communities would be wise to invest in and support efforts to prepare for successful marriage.

Please send  questions or comments (plus your name, location and the subject of the story you read) to Steve Duncan and Carol Flaherty, MSU Communications Services, Bozeman, MT 59717 or email us at: carolf@montana.edu.

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