BOZEMAN - - Undoubtedly many Montanans listened to and read about the recent controversy sparked by a North Carolina child kissing another child on the cheek. The lad was being punished under a stringent sexual harassment policy.
Dr. Karen DeBord, a child development specialist with North Carolina Extension Service, shared accurate information on this topic with North Carolinians. I thought it would be helpful to pass it on to you.
While sexual harassment laws are necessary to protect students in school and adults in the workplace, applying adult standards to young children can be inappropriate and even harmful, says Dr. DeBord. Decreeing strict punishment and humiliation because a young child kisses another on the cheek (or pats a classmate on the back or holds hands in the hallway) does nothing to teach the child to give and receive love and nurturing. It can even result in peer avoidance and shame.
"While it's important to teach which kind of touching is appropriate or inappropriate, it's equally important to protect children from punishment normally applied to adults or teenagers for touching or kissing," says Dr. DeBord. "Children younger than 8 or 10 do not have the awareness of sexuality that adults and teenagers have. An instance where the child kisses or hugs a classmate can be turned into a 'teachable moment' where the child can learn how to express affection while learning to respect his own boundaries and those of others."
DeBord says that over-reaction to a child's displays of affection can reinforce the notion that playmates and siblings should be avoided or that love is bad. This model works on the same principle as hitting or spanking; a parent who uses physical violence to discipline a child will promote the concept that violence is the only means to win an argument or make a point. Thus, excessive punishment for preadolescent displays of affection can distort a child's idea of loving and caring and make the child fearful of any close contact whatsoever. Children learn best through positive models, by examples of patience and clearly communicated expectations.
"It's important for parents, teachers and care givers to understand the natural stages of development that children undergo, especially as it relates to sexuality," says DeBord. "At each stage, certain behaviors and curiosity are normal in young children. When adults understand this, it then becomes easier to guide a child in appropriate behavior in a gentle, informative way."
Though development may differ from child to child, here are the stages that children generally go through when they become aware of sexuality.
At age 3 to 4, children begin to ask where babies come from. They explore other children's and adults' bodies because of their curiosity. Playing "Doctor" and pretending to be mommy or daddy become more common activities. Children begin to have a sense of modesty and can begin to understand the difference between private and public behavior.
By ages 5 to 7, children have increased need for privacy while bathing and dressing. Children increase their use of sexual or obscene language (frequently to test parental reaction). They give up wanting to "marry" mom or dad. Girls become closer to their mothers and boys to their fathers.
"Try to answer your child's questions as the occasion arises," says DeBord. "When a three-year old asks where babies come from, you can say, 'They grow in a special place in the mother's body called a uterus. When the baby is big enough, it comes out through a special passageway.'"
It will not be until later years when the child will ask what caused the baby to grow there in the first place. At that time, you can them explain the father's role in this process. Monitor the kinds of television programs your child watches and limit exposure. Be on hand to answer questions your child may ask about any programs he or she sees. Remember, children may have to be reminded time and again about your expectations and clearly understand your values.
If you see your child Playing "Doctor " or "Hospital," you can take the child aside and say something like, "I know that you're wondering about each others' bodies. Let's talk about what you want to know." This is also a good opportunity to say, "Your body belongs to you. You can tell someone 'no' if you don't want to be touched,'" says DeBord.
"By being open and 'askable,' you can promote a child's trust and teach acceptable behavior at the same time," says DeBord. "Give children opportunities to practice making decisions. Teach them how to think of their options and decide how to make positive choices. This ensures that the child will reflect your values and learn to make important choices later in life. By looking to you for guidance, the child will follow your values rather than those learned from peers or on TV."
You are the 12901st person to access this page.