Dealing with our own anger is one thing -- and you may be doing a pretty good job with yours -- but how can we deal with others’ anger towards us? When anger is directed towards us, what steps can we take to defuse a tense situation?

Colorado Extension Specialist Robert Fetsch provides helpful hints in his publication titled "Dealing With Others’ Anger."

When confronted with the anger of others, therapists and educators recommend a combination of communication and problem-solving strategies. When someone is angry at you, first take steps to protect yourself from potential violence (leave, go to a safe house, wait until your partner is sober, etc.). Often a "time-out period" reduces the hostility level. To help reduce chances of aggression, experiment with the following five steps.

Ask, "What is it you are angry at me about?" and listen for the unmet expectation, need or demand. Check out their meaning. For example, a parent may ask a teen, "So, you want me to drive you both ways to your new job five days a week, right?" If the unmet expectation is not clear to you, you can always ask, "What is it you want now?"

Be as empathic and understanding as possible. Suspend judgment. Strive to look at the situation through the other’s eyes. Listen to their viewpoint. Sometimes the urge to defend yourself is almost overwhelming, but don’t give in to it! Instead, ask, "What did that mean to you?" If appropriate, paraphrase the other person’s viewpoint. Continuing our previous parent-teen example, "So, after you told me I’d just have to drive you to and from work because this is your first job and you really worked hard to get it and I said, ‘Let’s talk about it later,’ you felt like I was putting you off. Do you think that means I don’t care as much about you as I care about your brother?" Listen and paraphrase until the speaker indicates you’ve understood.

Third, agree where you can honestly do so. No matter whether your critic is wrong or right, find a way to agree on something. Having a "we-can-solve-this-problem attitude" helps a lot. For example, "I agree that I was irritated and in a rush when you announced your new job. You’re right–it would have been better if I’d explained that I had to go to the office in five minutes for an important meeting, but added that I really do care about you and your new job and would love to hear about it later."

Fourth, ask "What do you want of me now?" By the time you listen for the unmet expectation or demand, empathize with the other person’s viewpoint, and tell them where you agree, much of the anger disappears. A clue that the time is ripe for asking this question is when you hear an audible sigh as the angry person takes a deep breath and the energy shifts. Once the anger has subsided in both you and your critic, ask the question. Your critic, in this case a teen, might say something like: "You’re the parent and I want you to show you care about my life too by driving me to and from work four days a week."

Fifth, negotiate a win-win agreement. Explain your viewpoint tactfully and assertively and negotiate differences. For instance, "I’ll tell you what, since your job is not that far from school and 3:30 is a busy time for me, why don’t you walk to work from school and I’ll pick you up at 6:30 every day? Can we try this for a couple of weeks and see if it works?"

Not everyone wants a win-win solution. If you use these steps and find yourself more angry for what the person is saying or doing, stop. Ask yourself, "What’s going on here? Do I feel like I’m losing and the other person winning?" If so, check this with the other person, too. Say something like, "I started with a win-win attitude. Now I feel like we’re in a you-win I-lose situation. Is that what you want or are you willing to go back with me to a win-win attitude?" If so, proceed. If not, it may be time to seek the help of an impartial third party.