Also, take a look at other family information from MSU Extension
Every child (and adult) needs to be reminded often that people love and value him or her.
Often we get busy and forget to send messages of love to our children. Or we send messages poorly. Or we send only angry messages.
Sometimes parents intend to send a message of love, but the child does not get it. It is as though we are talking different languages. Consider this example.
Joyce came home from work one day, exhausted as usual. She was greeted enthusiastically by her 5 year-old son, James. She knelt down on one knee, pulled her son into a close embrace, and said, "James, I love you!" Then Joyce stood up and started into her room for another night's work. James surprised her when he said, "Mommy, I don't want you to love me, I want you to play catch with me!"
A child who likes show-me messages of love may want you to do things for her. She may want you to wash the dishes for her, to buy her a gift, to take time with her, to take her for ice cream, or to repair her bike. A tell-me child wants to hear words like: "I love you." "You're important to me." "I love to be with you." A touch-me child may want a parent to hug him, rock him, cuddle him or hold his hand.
That all seems easy enough. But sometimes the message of love does not get through because we don't speak the child's "language." For example, if I send a message of love to my daughter by telling her that I love her but she wants me to take time to fix her bike, she might not get a message of love. She might feel that I don't really care. To make it more complicated, if you have more than one child, each probably has a different way of getting messages of love.
Another example:
Wally, a high school math teacher, was approached by a young fellow after class. The young man asked Wally to come with him on Saturday at 6 a.m. to the reservoir, crawl through the mud and cattails to the water's edge, and watch the ducks take off. Now Wally thought of other things he'd rather be doing ("sawing logs," for instance), but since he liked to take pictures he agreed to go. It was a good experience. Wally took lots of great photos. About two weeks later this same young man told Wally that his dad was taking him to hunt big game. Wally responded, "Wow, you must be pretty excited!" The young man thought a moment and said, "Not really. I'd really like my Dad to come with me to the reservoir with me some mornings and watch the ducks take off."
For Steve's son James, he gets a message of love when his dad plays basketball with him. In contrast, his daughter Linsey likes her dad's listening ear when she needs to unload feelings about the "boys" at school or other things that trouble her at times. We need to take the time necessary to send each, individual message.
How can you effectively send a message of love to a child? One way to start is to ask children what they think makes a good parent. Ask them what makes them feel loved, and pay close attention to their answers. Another way is to notice what your child asks for. Does he want time, attention, a listening ear, materials for a hobby, outings? Still another way is to notice how the child sends messages of love to you and others. Does she tell you, hug you, write you notes, clean up the house? Observing these things can help you know how to be more effective at sending messages to a given child.
Children want to know that they are loved and valued by their parents. We can be effective at sending messages of love to our children if we learn their "language," send messages clearly and regularly, and schedule special time with them.
Of course, once a month is not often enough to send a message of love. But it may be a reasonable schedule for special times. You may want to use a calendar to schedule such special times for each child.
At least once every day we should find some way of sending a message of love to each child. It may include taking a few minutes in the evening to talk with a child about her day. It may mean inviting your son to help you cook dinner. It may be listening to your daughter vent about the "boys" at school. But every day the message of love should get through to each child.
In any family there are times of conflict. It's not reasonable to believe that there can be no differences, arguments, or fights at home. But while learning to control the problems, we can be sure that the message of love is still getting through.
The dad may have thought he had taught his son about responsibility and still let him know that he loved him. Probably the boy did not learn anything about responsibility but only learned to be afraid of his father. A parent's anger can be so frightening to a child that he does not hear any of the words a parent says.
Another difficulty in sending messages to our children is that our own needs may keep us from seeing our children's needs.
When Wally's son Andy earned an award, he told him he was so proud of him that he would take him out to dinner. Andy said he
would rather have had Wally help him buy a bike. Wally realized that he was going to take him to dinner because that's something he liked to do, not because it was something that Andy liked.
One of the challenges in sending effective messages of love is being aware of what's important to the child. Take a few minutes right now to make a plan of how you will send messages of love to each of your children in the coming week.
Ways to send messages of love:
Say, "I love you."
Take a bike ride together.
Hug the child.
Take a nature walk together.
Say, "I sure enjoy being with you."
Make a trip to the library together. Research a topic of interest to the child. Check out books for you to read to him or him to read to you.
Say, "I sure am glad you're my child."
Work on a craft together: sculpt with clay or playdough, build with sticks, sew, draw.
Work on a hobby together: writing, stamp collecting, woodworking.
Give the child a back-rub.
Sit with the child and talk.
Plan a meal. Purchase groceries and prepare a meal with your child.
Arm-wrestle, thumb-wrestle, or play a game involving physical exertion. (Be sure the child has a good chance to win!)
Visit a relative or neighbor.
Thank the child for helping (or trying to help).
Go to a park and swing together.
Build a playhouse with the child, even if it's only a sheet thrown over a table. Then play in the playhouse together.
Have the child help you with grocery shopping.
Have the child sit on your lap or close to you while reading, talking, or watching television.
Give the child an "Eskimo kiss" (rub noses).
Other: ______________________________
Children often enjoy even jobs that seem like "work" if they provide a special time to be with the parent. For example, Steve's son Nathan loves to work alongside his dad doing yardwork or tuning up the car. Steve lets him take an active part in using the tools.
As you put your children's names on the ideas above, was one of your children very easy to show love to, while another was very difficult? It's important to find effective ways of showing love to each of your children. The child who is hard to love needs as much love as any child. Be sure to find effective ways to send love to that child also.
Catch 'Em Being Good! Happier Kids, Happier Parents Through Effective Praise video (VI0169A88). Available through your local county Extension office.
FootstepsI Love You When You're Good video (VI0028A00). Available through your local county Extension office.
Ginott, Haim (1956). Between Parent And Child. New York: Avon.
Copyright 1997 MSU Extension Service
We encourage the use of this document for non-profit educational purposes. This document may be reprinted if no endorsement of a commercial product, service or company is stated or implied, and if appropriate credit is given to the author and the MSU Extension Service (or Experiment Station). To use these documents in electronic formats, permission must be sought from the Ag/Extension Communications Coordinator, Communications Services, 416 Culbertson Hall, Montana State University-Bozeman, Bozeman, MT 59717; (406) 994-5132; E-mail - publications@montana.edu
The programs of the MSU Extension Service are available to all people
regardless of race, creed, color, sex, disability or national origin. Issued
in furtherance of cooperative extension work in agriculture and home economics,
acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department
of Agriculture, Charles Rust, Interim Dean and Director, Extension Service,
Montana State University, Bozeman, MT 59717.
File under: HUMAN DEVELOPMENT
E-9 (Parent Education)
Printed November 1997 (24210001197 ST)